December 7, 2016 — Last week, a rangy, shifty-eyed beaver waddled into a Maryland dollar store, nosed around like a slightly bored Axl Rose surveying a $10,000-a-night hotel room, and went on to halfheartedly trash the Christmas aisle. After wreaking moderate havoc, the “suspect attempted to flee the area”—that’s the official statement from the local sheriff’s office—but was quickly and literally collared.
Remember, friends: No matter how eager, industrious, and adorably buck-toothed you may be, crime usually does not pay.
A deeper investigation into the Maryland beaver’s brief reign of semi-terror turns up few clues. Photo evidence, unfortunately, remains scant. Among the carnage, a box of “Christmas Fluff,” left strewn and askew mid-aisle, appeared to be hardest hit.