Archives

Don’t Shame My Fake Christmas Tree

The Federalist copyDecember 7, 2016 — Last week, a rangy, shifty-eyed beaver waddled into a Maryland dollar store, nosed around like a slightly bored Axl Rose surveying a $10,000-a-night hotel room, and went on to halfheartedly trash the Christmas aisle. After wreaking moderate havoc, the “suspect attempted to flee the area”—that’s the official statement from the local sheriff’s office—but was quickly and literally collared.

Remember, friends: No matter how eager, industrious, and adorably buck-toothed you may be, crime usually does not pay.

A deeper investigation into the Maryland beaver’s brief reign of semi-terror turns up few clues. Photo evidence, unfortunately, remains scant. Among the carnage, a box of “Christmas Fluff,” left strewn and askew mid-aisle, appeared to be hardest hit.

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Archives

Our Brave New Feminists

nr-copyDecember 1, 2016 — If you were an inquisitive space alien who decided to drift down to visit America in 2016 — as a tour guide, I probably wouldn’t recommend this year in particular, as people are kind of crabby, and good-natured hijinks are at a general low, but that’s another story — you could be forgiven for thinking that women simply can’t do a thing for themselves. You could be forgiven, that is, if your only human contacts were today’s leading “feminists.”

Take Tuesday’s news regarding the nomination of Tom Price, a pro-life congressman from Georgia, as the incoming Trump administration’s secretary of health and human services. To hear feminists tell it, if Price gets confirmed, we lady folk might as well call it a day, don sackcloth and ashes, and wail while we wait for the fearsome and inevitable arrival of the tsunami of patriarchal oppression.

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Archives

Mike Pence, Hero of American Theater

nr-copyNovember 22, 2016 — Over the pre-Thanksgiving weekend, the American Internet erupted in outrage, faux consternation, and streaks of halfhearted bickering. It was, in some ways, the perfect storm, stirring up several incendiary ingredients, including Donald Trump’s Twitter account, vocal public shaming, earnest onstage activism, and a musical that people just can’t stop talking about. What freshly heated scandal set the digital tubes aflame?

In short, Mike Pence, our vice president–elect — a man who has appeared mysteriously sanguine, at least on the outside, during what must be the wildest political ride of his life — was booed and lectured when he attended a Friday-night performance of America’s best-loved, most annoying Broadway show. That show, of course, would be Hamilton.

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Archives

Post-Trump Dispatches from Planet New York Times

nr-copyNovember 15, 2016 — Over the final few weeks of his presidential campaign, at rallies all over the country, President-elect Donald Trump took up a new slogan: “Drain the swamp!” His audience, presumably tired of insider shenanigans from Washington, D.C., ate it up. They chanted the phrase in unison, cheering with relish.

There’s a good reason for this: Most normal, well-adjusted non-Beltway Americans harbor a vigorous and healthy disdain for Washington, D.C. As any well-intentioned visitor to our nation’s capital can tell you, the sights are indeed grand, and the history is inspiring. But sadly, between the trips to the Smithsonian and the National Gallery, one begins to grow rightly suspicious when passing countless upscale bars filled with sometimes-smug 28-year-olds getting hammered on $16 cocktails that were purchased, either directly or indirectly, with your own hard-earned tax dollars.

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Archives

Reminder: Hillary Clinton Lost Because She’s Hillary Clinton

nr-copyNovember 11, 2016 — Well, that didn’t take long. Just hours after Hillary Clinton lost the presidency to Donald Trump — and hours after she left her disconsolate supporters at New York City’s Javits Center, hightailing it to the confines of Manhattan’s Peninsula Hotel—cries of “sexism” erupted across America’s fruited plain.

On Twitter, under the top-trending hashtag #NotMyPresident, many Americans bemoaned the “misogyny” that allegedly doomed Clinton from the start. “Trump didn’t win because of Comey,” MSNBC’s Jonathan Alter wrote on election night. “He won because he’s a testosterone candidate and men weren’t ready for a woman president.” Introducing Clinton before her Wednesday concession speech, vice-presidential candidate Tim Kaine noted that Hillary had “made history in a nation that is good at so many things, but has made it uniquely difficult for a woman to be elected.”

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Archives

No, ‘Ecosexuals,’ Mother Nature Does Not Want to Have Sex With You

nr-copyNovember 8, 2016 – Good day, America! Meet the “ecosexuals,” a group of cheerfully deranged human beings who earnestly wish to engage in sexual relations with Planet Earth. Yes, you read that right. But first, an anecdote.

In 1913, fresh off a resounding electoral defeat, Theodore Roosevelt, everyone’s favorite intrepid mustachioed adventurer, wandered down South America way. As was his wont, Roosevelt found himself quickly roped into a wildly impractical and highly dangerous journey. His mission: to map a treacherous and uncharted Amazon tributary that easily boasted at least 1,000 ways to die, including natives with poison darts, mysterious diseases, perilous rocky rapids, and numerous fantastic beasts.

If you’ve read “River Of Doubt,” Candace Millard’s 2006 account of Roosevelt’s epic trek through the Amazon—a journey that almost finished him off—you might recall the most horrifying beast of all.

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Archives

In 2016, Each Party Chooses Its Destructor

nr-copyNovember 4, 2016 – On Wednesday, after months of cannily tiptoeing around the roving poison-ivy patch that is the Trump presidential campaign, Republican Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell essentially jumped in, whipped off his glasses, and gleefully rolled around. “We need a new president, Donald Trump,” he told a Kentucky rally, “to be the most powerful Republican in America.”

Interesting phrasing, is it not? For months, McConnell has played it cool when it comes to the bombastic Trump campaign, soothing Republicans with talk of various institutional checks, balances, and constraints. “I don’t believe,” McConnell insisted in June, that “Donald Trump will change the Republican party.”

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Archives

One Nation, United in Wanting this Election To End

nr-copyOctober 27, 2016 – Here’s the good news, America: Less than two weeks remain in what might be the most embarrassing election of all time, at least on our fruited plain. This presidential contest has ruined countless perfectly good dinner parties, made cringing a national pastime, and inspired more than a few young children to quietly fear that either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton, depending on their family’s predispositions, will sneak down the chimney, Grinch-like, and steal all their Halloween candy.

If this election were a high-school student, it would easily win “Most Likely to Blow Everyone’s Minds, But Not in a Good Way,” or perhaps “That Guy Who Never Changes His Shirt and Always Has a Bunch of Questionable Stuff in the Trunk of His Car.” But here we are, thank goodness, and in 30 states, early voting has begun — not with a whimper, but with a spectacular bang.

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Archives

The Coming “Sexism” Tsunami

nr-copyOctober 20, 2016 – Say what you will about Donald Trump’s presidential campaign, but it’s done a heck of a job of feeding various ideological hobgoblins across the United States. Some will fade away after November 8; others, alas, will quickly shoot up some proverbial post-election steroids and haunt us with madcap vigor for years to come.

When it comes to pure staying power, however, I’d cast my chips on one hobgoblin in particular, no matter who wins the election. That would be the “sexism is everywhere” trope, long beloved by the Left.

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Archives

Trump’s Embarrassing Surrogate Circus

nr-copyOctober 13, 2016–Donald Trump just loves to talk about hiring magnificent people. “I’m going to surround myself only with the best and most serious people,” he told the Washington Post in August. From his current campaign staff to his future adoring presidential coterie, we are told, all Trump political entities will be filled with the finest, most competent human beings Planet Earth has to offer — so terrific, in fact, they’ll resemble those sexy-yet-logical aliens on Star Trek!

With this grandiose vision in mind, it’s always a bit jarring to see Trump’s actual surrogates in action, stumbling through an unending trail of hilarious, horrifying, and jaw-dropping moments, all aired on live TV. It’s almost like all four seasons of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo combined.

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